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Creating Healthy Attachment in Young Children

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What is Attachment Parenting?

Also known as Natural Parenting, Attachment Parenting is based on the understanding that secure attachment in early childhood is essential for the development of mature, empathetic adults. Research from a range of fields, from neuroscience to psychology to genetics, demonstrates that responding to children’s emotional and physical needs at each stage of development creates emotionally healthy individuals.

"Attachment parenting is not just another phase or parenting trend, amongst an array of options. Attached parenting is what babies were born biologically expecting.  When they don't get it there are negative consequences. The reasons people practice 'detached' parenting doesn't change the result for the child.” (Sam, mother of 3)

Attachment parenting creates the physical and emotional setting that allows for healthy emotional and physical development which is essential at a time when children’s brains are still growing. “From late pregnancy through the second year of life, the human brain experiences a critical period of accelerated growth. Therefore the expanding brain is directly influenced by its environment. 

"Stress impairs optimal brain development while healthy attachment promotes it” (Source). A healthy attachment “begins with being open to thecues of your baby/child, without fretting about spoiling them orbeing manipulated. …You help her feel right by setting theconditions that promote the best behavior. The child who feels rightacts right” (Source).

Other expressions used to describe this approach are attachment parenting, aware parenting, instinctive parenting, conscious parenting/living and continuum parenting.  As your family grows beyond infancy, the term 'Natural Parenting'tends to refer to parenting and lifestyle practices that support healthy physical, emotional, mental and social development of the individuals, family unit and community.

Natural parenting practices

It is now widely accepted that a baby is affected by how the mother thinks and feels during pregnancy.  So, the main touchstones of Attachment Parenting in infancy are:

 

 

Sydney Psychologist, Robin Grille, explains that natural parents have made a shift away from previous authoritarian parenting methods as “we are increasingly coming to believe that babies know when they are hungry, how much they need to consume, when they are tired, when they need to be held, and when they need engagement or attention. A baby’s cry, no longer thought to be capricious or meaningless, is warmly attended towithout delay. It is the baby’s natural biological and emotionalcycles, not the clock on the wall, that govern the ebb and flow ofnurturance - and the carer is led by the baby’s cues” (Source).

 

Significantly, "natural parents have learned to distinguish more clearly between the child’s need and the adult’s wishes" (Source) and so do not strive for a ‘good’ baby who will breastfeed every 4 hours, fall sleep alone and sleep through the night. It is a challenge, however, to resist this ideal in a society that fears babies’ dependency and "warns against yielding to babies’ and toddlers’ need to be held and comforted to sleep [for example], lest they become habituallyattached” (Source). We now know that responding faithfully and immediately to small children’s needs fosters security. This "security creates independence" (Source).


Living in Harmony with Nature

Natural Parenting in Sydney promotes ways to live in harmony with nature and your community.   You can reduce your carbon footprint and create a safe environment for your child by adopting the following:

  • Chemical-free cleaning
  • Use of cloth nappies &/or nappy free practices
  • Growing some of your own food from open harvest seeds
  • Buying toys, clothes and linen made from organic, natural and renewable soucres
  • Making toys and clothes from recycled materials
  • Buying organic food and perhaps even joining or starting a co-op
  • Composting and work farms
  • Making your house energy efficient
These practices also lend themselves to the continum concept (see below) as they are safe for young children to observe and gradually become involved in as is appropiate for their age and interest.

 

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Caring for your family in harmony with your instincts, community and environment

In modern societies we are encouraged to trust experts and technology rather than our instincts. By thinking about the way human beings have evolved we are reminded that:

Whensupported appropriately women have the capacity to birth naturally and spontaneously
Breastfeedingprovides all baby’s nutritional needs
Toddlers know when they are ready to give up breastfeeding and this physical connection with their mother
Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to soothe a toddler who is frightened by his newfound independence
Sleepingand breastfeeding come more easily to a mother and baby who sleepside by side
Carrying ababy in a sling makes babies happier and life easier formother/carer. It also promotes optimal physical and emotionaldevelopment
A “childwho trusts you to meet her needs will trust you to set her limits” (Source)
Babies cry to communicate. A prompt response does not imply that the carer isbeing manipulated or that the baby will be ‘spoiled’. Crying communicates anger, fear, confusion and releases tension.
A dependent child is not created by extended breastfeeding, carrying your baby/toddler, co-sleeping and responding to babies cries. Rather, these activities generate high self esteem in the child in the knowledge that “Someone listens to me and wants to be with me, therefore I am worthwhile” (Source)
Validating children’s physical and emotional pain fosters confidence, not weakness, as the child learns that it is not shameful to ask for help or to express feelings
Feeding families whole foods provides the nutrients needed for optimalphysical and emotional development. Whole foods are non-processed foods, eg. whole grains, brown rice/pasta, organic produce
By being aware of the products and resources we consume, we are having lessimpact on a planet that evolved over millennia and is beingdestroyed over lifetimes
“Attachment parenting is about listening to your “natural instincts as a mother and your instincts will NEVER fail you, just listen to them. Letting your child know you respect their desire to communicate (which is what crying most often is), that you understand they need something (perhaps just not to be alone) and that you are there for them is a fantastic gift to give them now and something to build on for their whole lives.” (Lisa, mother of 1)
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Unfortunately, 'Detached' parenting has become normal

“Two hundred years ago, Arthur Schopenhauer wrote that "All truth goes through three stages.  First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident." This observation has certainly passedthe test of time. Copernicus’s writings, in which he claimed that the earth moves around the sun, were banned for decades, and led to an Inquisition trial and house imprisonment for Galileo. Today, ofcourse, the earth’s orbital movement is accepted as 'self-evident'.

Unfortunately, child-rearing practices and beliefs in the areas of sleeping, feeding, and discipline seem tobe moving in the wrong direction. Our society has moved away fromtrust and toward an unnatural, mistrustful, and distant approach to children. Parents who treat their children with the same love andtrust that was "self-evident" for generations now face ridicule and opposition. In earlier societies, a child’s need to beclose to his parents during both night and day was a "self-evidenttruth", and the obvious way to meet that need was to provide safety, closeness and comfort. Throughout most of human history,mothers slept next to their babies, which fostered the bond between them, and encouraged and facilitated breastfeeding” (Source).

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Attachment parenting is NOT permissive or child-centered parenting

"When you're doing it right, your needs are the same as the child's and you don't have to choose between them" by Jean Liedloff author of The Continuum Concept.

People sometimes confuse attachment parenting with permissive or child-centred parenting, however this is not what the child or parent needs. In the west, parents often reac against their own authoritarian upbringing by being overly centred ontheir own children. Jean Leadoff writes that many parents, “in their anxiety to be neither negligent nor disrespectful, have gone overboard in … the other direction” (Source). Children need to be in the midst of adult activity but they do not need to be the centre of attention. You can be child centred in so far asyou meet your child’s needs but there is also unhealthy childcenteredness.

During the in-arms ‘spectator phase’of childhood, infants and toddlers have a “panoramic view of theirfuture life's experiences” – this feels right to them and so theycan be quite observers. However in the West babies are “played with, talked to, or admired all day” which deprives them. “Unable to say what he needs, he will act out his discontentment. He is trying to get his caretaker's attention, yet — and here is thecause of the understandable confusion — his purpose is to get the caretaker to change his unsatisfactory experience, to go about herown business with confidence and without seeming to ask his permission. Once the situation is corrected, the attention-getting behaviour we mistake for a permanent impulse can subside. The same principle applies in the stages following the in-arms phase” (Source).



 

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Why is emotional attachment necessary for children?

Good attachment in early childhood creates emotionally healthy adults. 

"Emotion is an essential aspect of interpersonal communication. The capacity to feel is what makes us human, and what connects us to one another. Emotional intelligence is what helps us to achieve our potential, and to fulfil our hearts' ambitions. So, the more we develop and refine our emotional intelligence the more we can enjoy fulfilling relationships, realize our deepest longings, manage life's conflicts with grace, and create fair, peaceful and sustainable societies.

Many of the experiences we have in childhood leave a lasting emotional impression, even if we don't consciously recall them. Childhood therefore has a profound influence on how we relate to each other as adults.

The good news is there is a lot we can do to develop our emotional intelligence as adults. Counselling or psychotherapy can do much to help us develop our emotional health. Conflicts and difficulties can be turned into opportunities for learning, healing and growth.

Nurturing our emotional health can transform our relationships, and in fact, it can change the world.

Since our childhood experiences so strongly influence our emotional health, the way we raise our children is of profound consequence." (Source)

“Although it has of late becomeunfashionable to believe parenting skills and parental behavior mayinfluence the development of emotional and behavioral disorders inchildren, current research on attachment shows a shift in parentingpractices is needed to combat further intergenerational transmissionof attachment disorders” (Source).

 

See  The Scicence of Attachment

 

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Benefits of attachment parenting for mother and baby

“Security of attachment reflects theconfidence children have in the responsiveness of their relationshipswith their caregivers. Children can never be too securely attachedto their caregiver (Sroufe, 2000a). Consistently, it is the childrenwith secure attachment relationships who are found to take betteradvantage of their opportunities in life, are better liked by theirpeers, have superior leadership and social skills, and are moreconfident than other children (Levy & Orlans, 1998; Sroufe,2000a).

Secure children, those who had hadtheir emotional needs met by a responsive adult, were affectivelymore positive, less aggressive, tantrumy, or angry with others, andmore compliant within a classroom setting.

Children and teens with secureattachment histories excel with regards to social and emotionalhealth, leadership skills, morality and prosocial behavior,self-reliance and self-control, and resiliency as appropriate at eachstage of development. Also, parenting behaviors are transmittedintergenerationally (Egeland & Erickson, 1999; Levy & Orlans,1998) and securely attached children grow into parents who are highlyresponsive and sensitive to their own children” (Source).

 

See  The Scicence of Attachment

 

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What generates good attachment? Attachment Parenting!

“Attachment Parenting… involves aset of parenting skills and behaviors which seek to establish astrong attachment between caregiver and baby starting at birth. Thismovement of attachment parenting … has the potential to change ourculture's view of proper care of infants to a style of care thatactively promotes secure attachment.

Attachment parenting is a method ofparenting whereby the parents recognize and accept the uniquetemperament and needs of their child and work to meet the child'sphysical, spiritual, and emotional needs with sensitivity andconsistency. Parents who practice attachment parenting recognize theprimary importance of the mother-child bond in the emotionaldevelopment of infants and toddlers. These parents also recognizethe importance of the father-child relationship which, althoughinitially secondary to the mother's role, is nonetheless crucial forhealthy child development.

There are five primary attachmentparenting practices which build upon this understanding:

  1. Strongly valuing the signal value of a baby's cry, which mandates quick and sensitive responses to the baby's cries regardless of the hour;
  2. Birth bonding (the delaying of any separation or routine procedures after birth until after the family has spent time alone to bond) and rooming-in (baby sleeps in the same room as mother after a hospital birth rather than in the nursery);
  3. Breastfeeding on cue, for comfort as well as nutrition, with child-led weaning;
  4. Co sleeping, which may take many forms, but commonly results in a family bed;
  5. 'Babywearing', the wearing of the infant (and toddler) in a soft cloth carrier such as a front pack or a sling, rather than relying on plastic seats, and strollers.

These practices, in isolation ortogether, help to provide the best environment for parent-childattachment” (Source).

 

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The Science of Attachment

Excerpt from: The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter

In psychobiological terms, babies areunable to regulate themselves. Despite being born with the capacityfor feeling deep emotions, babies are unable to keep themselves in astate of equilibrium. In order to maintain emotional equilibrium,babies require a consistent and committed relationship with onecaring person and the person best suited for this relationship is themother.

What is fascinating about themother-baby dyad is that, like the biology-environment interplay, itis a synchronized system. The mother tunes to her baby's internalstates and responds, which produces a response in the mother, whichfurther fuels the system. One is not independent of the other, andeach has a profound effect on the next response. This dyad is thekey to healthy development for the baby. The mother mustachieve attunement with her baby to create healthy attachment. Thus,healthy attachment is simply the development of that attunedrelationship.

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Natural Parenting - Back to Basics in Infant Care
R. Schon & M Silven, Evolutionary Psychology, 2007, 5(1): 102-183

This article looks at how sensitivity to a child's innate emotional and physical needs (resulting in extended breastfeeding on demand, infant carrying and cosleeping) prevailed during human evolution.  Breastfeeding, carrying and cosleeping  "reflect the natural, innate rearing style of the human species to which the human infant has biologically adapted over the course of evolution".  The study concludes that attachment parenting "provides the human infant with an ideal environment for optimal physical and psychological growth.  It is yet to be determined how much departure from this prototype of optimal parenting is possible without compromising infant and parental wellbeing".  The study critiques current Western childrearing practices.

 

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