Also see Co sleeping – why it benefits the whole family & why it is safe and Nighttime feeding
Night waking until 3-4yrs is normal & healthy
"The gap between what our culture teaches us to expect of the sleep patterns of a young child (read them a story, tuck them in, turn out the light, and not see them again for 8 hours) and the reality of how children actually sleep if healthy and normal, yawns widely.
But the first steps to dealing with the fact that your young child doesn't sleep through the night, or doesn't want to sleep without you is to realize that:
(1) Not sleeping through the night until they are 3 or 4 years of age is normal and healthy behavior for human infants.
(2) Your children are not being difficult or manipulative, they are being normal and healthy, and behaving in ways that are appropriate for our species.
Once you understand these simple truths, it becomes much easier to deal with parenting your child at night. Once you give up the idea that you must have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, and view these nighttime interactions with your child as precious and fleeting, you get used to them very quickly"(Source).
Children 'should sleep with parents until they're five' by The Sunday Times on Margot Sunderland
Margot Sunderland, director of education at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, says the practice, known as 'co-sleeping', makes children more likely to grow up as calm, healthy adults.
She is so sure of the findings in her book, The
Science of Parenting which is based on 800 scientific studies, that she is calling for
health visitors to be issued with fact sheets to educate parents
about co-sleeping. “There is absolutely no study saying it is good
to let your child cry.” said Sunderland.
Mother’s diet & frequent night waking
Deficiencies in a breastfeeding mother’s (and older child’s) diet may contribute to frequent night waking. Magnesium supplements and increasing protein in your diet (especially in the late afternoon/evening) are great ways to try to remedy frequent night waking/feeding/weeing. If a deficiency is the cause of the problem you will see results right away. Increase each separately so you can work out which one is producing results.
Why controlled crying/comforting is harmful
In her enlightening paper, The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love, Lauren Porter explains that the human cerebral cortex adds 70 percent of its final DNA content after birth. This brain development is impaired by stress and trauma while healthy attachment promotes it. The brains of infants who are left to cry are shaped by this experience - they move from a state of hyperarousal to dissociation, and this state becomes part of the structure of their forming personality.
"The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health is concerned that the widely practiced technique of ‘controlled crying’ is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences.
Controlled crying (also known as controlled comforting and sleep training) is a technique that is used as a way of managing infants and young children who do not settle alone or who wake at night. Controlled crying involves leaving the infant to cry for increasingly longer periods of time before providing comfort. The intention of controlled crying is to let babies put themselves to sleep and to stop them from crying or calling out during the night.
Crying is a sign of distress or discomfort from an infant or young child. Although controlled crying can stop children from crying, it may teach children not to seek or expect support when distressed.
Infants are more likely to develop secure attachments when their distress is responded to promptly, consistently and appropriately. Secure attachments in infancy are the foundation for good adult mental health.
Many parents become distressed and exhausted when their infants and young children cry at night…sometimes in part because of the unrealistic expectation that babies ‘should’ sleep through the night.
Any methods used to assist parents get a good night’s sleep should not compromise the infant’s developmental and emotional needs."
Alternatives to controlled crying
Join an attachment parenting support group, where you will hear real life stories from people who have had success with alternatives to controlled crying/comforting. See the the Natural Parenting Directory (on the left hand side of this website) for online and in-real-life support groups in Sydney.
Websites on alternatives to controlled crying
Bawling Babies is a website set up by "a social worker and parent in Australia concerned about the western practice of a method called 'controlled crying' that is used on infants to get them to sleep. The site talks about the use of this method and other parenting methods. Search all the information on this site to be better informed about the practice of controlled crying."
Articles on alternatives to controlled crying
Getting a Good Night’s Sleep: Another Perspective by Dr Sarah J Buckley
"As a GP [family physician], writer and current full-time mother of four, I have many concerns about the standard advice that mothers are being given about young children and sleep … [which] include leaving children alone to cry for increasing periods (so-called “controlled crying”). Such sources suggest shutting crying children in their bedrooms for prolonged periods so that they learn to go to sleep alone.
Advising parents to ignore the cries of a distressed child, for however long, does not produce a loving and trustful parent-child relationship. I wonder how many of us would want our partners or friends to treat us this way, if we were alone at night and feeling upset and frightened."
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say By Alvin Powell
"America's ‘let them cry’ attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers."
Crying for Comfort: Distressed Babies Need to be Held by Aletha Solter
Pillow Talk: Helping your Child Get a Good Night's Sleep by Paul M. Fleiss
Self soothing Jan Hunt from The Natural Child Project answers a mother’s question on whether infants eventually learn to soothe themselves to sleep on their own, like they do crawling and walking
What can new parents say to people who recommend that they let their new baby "cry it out"? Jan Hunt from The Natural Child Project answers a mother’s question
Australian Association for Infant Mental Health position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
Mothers as Managers by Dr Penelope Leach (Position paper on controlled crying/comforting by the Association for Infant Mental Health UK)
This article looks at why routines and formulaic responses to babies appeals to so many mothers.
Books on alternatives to controlled crying
Sleeping Like a Baby: Simple sleep solutions for infants and toddlers by Pinky McKay
Pinky, who is based in Melbourne, is also the author of the acclaimed '100 Ways to Calm the Crying' and 'Parenting by Heart'
The No Cry Sleep Solution & The No Cry Sleep Solution for toddlers and Preschoolers by Elizabeth Pantley
The No Cry Sleep Solution is an excellent guide on practical alternatives to the harmful practice of controlled comforting/crying, which is often the only option given in many parenting books. It provides tips on gentle ways to adjust your child’s sleeping patterns that are applied over time – there are no quick fixes. It can be used by parents who co-sleep or cot sleep and it has great ideas for those who breastfeed to sleep.
The Science of Parenting by Margot
Sutherland
A practical guidance on sleep, crying,
play and building emotional wellbeing for life.
Attachment Parenting Bookshelf
For a list of the key attachment parenting books and brief reviews see the Attachment Parenting Bookshelf at StorkNet.